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Tattood Buddhist Replies to: Unclaimed Baggage
May 29, 2014
Hi Tattood Buddhist!
I'm past middle aged and single with what some people call baggage. So, there are trust issues outstanding. Until recently, I was dating someone for more than 6 months. We saw each other a good 5 times a week and he would spend the night multiple times a week as well.
He was good to me. He wined and dined me. Took to me nice restaurants, did romantic things for me and never asked for anything in return. Of course, in return I gave him “myself”. I would have him over weekly for a very nice meal. But, I always felt that was something else was up with him.
Somehow, I always felt there was someone else there. Something inside told me to check out an on-line dating website and there he was. I was heart-broken. I really had fun with this guy. Recently he had gone out of town with friends (sent me pictures to prove it). The evening he returned, he was planning on coming over to see me. He texted me he would be late. I signed on to the dating website and he was on line. I was so hurt.
Since then I have stopped seeing him, but for some reason the universe has put us in each other’s path a lot -- sometimes more than once a week. He denies any wrong doing, and denies being on the dating website. Unfortunately, I know he is on the site. He lives very close and I know he's not out often. So, am I crazy paranoid??? I ran into him again this past weekend and he says he wants me back. But it would be “Me” going back to him.
I feel confused about why we keep running into each other. Dear Tattood Buddhist, why does the universe keep putting us into each other's path?? Thank you, love you.
Tattood Buddhist is putting on her Sorting Hat to answer this one!
Dear Unclaimed Baggage…
I must confess to a huge smile as I read your letter. It is time to open those bags and start unpacking that old “stuff”. Let’s sort that old baggage that you are dragging around into 3 piles: Mine; His; Time to let it go.
What goes into the Mine pile? Well, perhaps the first thing is to look at how you “give yourself”. What is that all about? Are you giving yourself “away”? Or are you sharing yourself with someone else who is sharing himself in return? It seems perfectly reasonable to cook a meal for someone who is wining and dining you several times a week! Trust Issues would also be in your pile, so much so, that it has you investigating him behind his back! Regardless of the result, why are you in a relationship with someone you feel you must check up on, or be given “pictures as proof” of his weekend activity?
His Issue Pile? Not really for me to sort out his issues. But we might ask about shopping around on dating websites; dating you 5+ times a week and having time to step out on you; denying something that is really true in the face of “evidence”, and why is he drawn to be with a woman who is “suspicious”?
Time to let it go? Hmmm, the only way to know what is ready to be discarded is to get down to the real truth of the thing. Is he trustworthy? Is he lying? Does he care about you? Do you care for him? Can you Trust in a relationship? Have you unpacked your old baggage into his suitcase?
The Universe brings two people together because they are perfect for assisting each other to face their issues and heal. How do each of your issues line up with each other?
I would ask you this. Have you sat down and had an honest conversation (non-accusatory) about all of these things? Did you have an agreement to be monogamous? Are you in a committed relationship or is this still on the casual dating level? Where does he see your relationship going if you were to continue? Where do you want it to go? Aside from the question about the dating sight, have you felt that there was any other monkey business going on? Six months is a great time to fall out of Fantasy and land right in the reality of two humans who have wounds and issues trying to be in relationship with each other.
Why is the Universe continuing to place you in each other’s path? Maybe it is whispering that it is time to step out of the pattern of suspicion, accusation and running for the hills, and choose to go a little deeper and mine for gold, instead. Since he seems to want to reunite, I suggest a gloves-off, no-fault, (you show me yours and I’ll show you mine) conversation between the two of you. You may ultimately decide it is over, but you will finally have the clarity that only that kind of conversation can give.
I don’t think that you are “crazy paranoid”, but give yourself some compassion. You do come by your fears and tender spots honestly. It’s ok to want to protect yourself and take good care of yourself. If you are really being mis-treated or betrayed, then Let Him Go! If it is really a case of two people with a past, then maybe you hang in and consciously co-create the relationship that you want with each other.
Some folks have to take off the Rose Colored Glasses… you might need to trade in your Smokey Colored Glasses. Stop thinking of yourself as a target for less than honest agents and see the precious gift that you truly are! Treasure yourself and expect to be treasured. Then the days of Wine and Roses will feel perfectly deserved!
Tattood Buddhist is happy to go shopping for new Luggage with you!